The undeniable weird thoughts

Have you ever dreamed of changing the world? Doing something profound that you can be proud to say you did? I have always wanted something like that, something you can't help, but feel all the way down to your toes and deep in your heart. It doesn't even really have to be important to anyone else, just you. It's just the action of standing behind something so completely that you feel it in every part of you. And here recently, I keep feeling like I found it. That something that I can do, that something that will forever be profound to me. But to tell you what it is I have to tell you how it all started. I'm going to dig deep and tell you that I have trust issues, but what self preserving person doesn't. Mine are slightly more extravagant and crazy than others though. I have never truly trusted another, that wasn't related to me, and even then my trust is in question. But then there was this boy...
I know cliche, right? But wrong.
We didn't start out like a fairy tale or even close to one.. It's like we wrote our own story, one completely unique from the norm, which I think is the reason I was so drawn in. I love anything out of the norm, and he was handing it to me on a silver platter.. so to speak.
I was dating someone when I met him, and we were just friends seeing as how he was dating someone too. We only ever talked in school and it was never anything serious, but then one day he started talking to me online and he opened up about who he really was. And I was so amazed to find that he was just like me. I won't explain it in detail, but we just kinda understood each other. Of course, I soon realized I didn't love the person I was with, and I certainly didn't love the way they made me feel. It wasn't long after that that I was staying up late listening to this boy talk and we would have the most random conversations. After a while I knew there was no way I couldn't fall in love with him.
And so I took the tumble, even if it wasn't until a while later that he joined me.
We took a walk in the rain, we talked about the stars and day dreaming and imagination, and the wonders of it all. He made me want to write again, I blew through three whole notebooks and still felt like I could write more. He blew my imagination out of the water, into the stars and beyond anything I ever thought I could do. He did something no one had ever done before, he inspired me, He still does.
He broke up with his girlfriend not long after I broke up with that someone, but we waited. I admit I was the picture of impatience. I knew what was sitting right in front of me, and to think I could lose it all if we didn't take the chance was killing me. But we did finally take the chance, as we call it.
It's like it all spirled from there. We fell in love, and just like that I didn't know what I would do without him. We spent so many nights together, laughing, joking, dancing, doing everything I always thought would be perfect. I know it will sound stupid, but he showed me what perfection is, and its definition will always be distorted for me. I don't think any other can live up to the standards he has set.
That gets me to my point finally. I don't know if you have figured it out yet, but I'll clue you in just in case. I'm going to throw away my trust issues, I'm going to give away my second guessings, my doubts, my insecurities, my crazy instability. I'm gonna tear down every defense, take off the armor that I have worn my whole life. Still not getting it?
*Places Paw Print on her heart*
I'm going to love this boy, Cody Muncie, with everything I have. Everything that is me, I'm going to let go of it all and trust the heck out him. I'm not holding back anymore. I don't care if I get hurt, I don't care if someday he rips my beating heart out of my chest, I don't care about any of it. I'm going to finally let go. I'm going to believe in him, his words, his actions, without questioning my fate. I'm going to love him like I don't know how to hold back, that to me is more profound than I can put into words. Like I said, it doesn't have to be important to anyone, but me.
And he is important to me.

Fatal

What is pain, but loss of something? You can feel it coming, that sick feeling in your stomach, the aching in your heart, the way the tears uncontrollably run down your cheeks. They are all the warning signs, the ultimate indicators of pain. It's like you feel it in every part of your body, your head pounds, you have the need to walk for days and you can't even think of a smile. Your body throws itself into mutiny at the sight of pain and not only do you feel that loss, you feel it in every part of you, every single cell of your body mimicks the loss. And all you can think about is where do you go from here? How do you possibly move on without that which you have lost. How do you continue doing the things you do every day? I think it's impossible, because somehow every action you take leads to a thought process that ends at him. Every single thought you have somehow connects to his name, the way he did something, something he said, something you did together, a time that you thought about him, or a place that something happened with him. Every single thing I touch, every single move I make, leads back to him. How do you get over lossing something when your body reminds you every step of the way that he isn't there. And that you will never feel his arms again, you will never kiss him again, you will never laugh till your stomach hurts because of him again, you will never smile till your cheeks hurt, you will never get to dream of a future with him, you will never feel his love again. How do you live with that weighing on you. Just please tell me how do you make it stop? I need to know how to make it stop